Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Money can't buy happiness. But it can buy marshmallows, which are kinda the same thing.

   Great minds think alike. But dirty minds think the same.

   I need a hug. From your thighs.

   All flights to Colorado have been cancelled. The sky is just too foggy.

   Writing your girl a love poem is a little less special when she helps you spell some of the words.

   I'm sorry I slapped you but you didn't seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.

   Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.

   I am tired of men complaining about women complaining about men complaining about women

   North Korea is the snotty kid that no one liked and China is the babysitter that let him do what he wanted so she could fu*k her boyfriend.

   I was sure they'd name that baby King Ralph...

   I didn't get a chance to check instagram today....does anyone know if the sun set this evening?

   Anthony Weiner came up short.

   I spend more time hitting the damn snooze button than I do snoozing.

   If you tickle me, I'm not responsible for your injuries... or the stain on your carpet ツ

   Sometimes I get so hungry that I eat a sandwich without having sex first.

   Your baby is not interesting or funny, unless it's drunk or being carried away by an eagle.

   Subway is being sued for lying about length?!?!?.... Time for me to find a good attorney!

   Hey, just wanted to point out that Nemo is Omen backwards. I'm sure it's fine......

   Nowadays MILF doesn't have the same meaning, especially since there are 15 year old moms

   : The English language is being degraded by slang and this troubles me. Except the phrase, "All up in this b!tch." I think that's a keeper.