Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No officer...I'm not slurring my speech. I'm speaking in cursive...

   One day, you come home and everything has changed, like the locks.

   i'm not real happy that the wrapping on my toilet paper said '100% Recycled' !!

   seriously ....BACON flavored Vodka !?!?!? Now all you alcoholics that are on the Atkins diet REJOICE !!!!!!! do the fat happy dance...and fall over !!!!

   It felt good to turn my lights out yesterday for Earth Day. On hindsight,i probably shouldn't have been driving at the time.

   I think, therefore we have nothing in common

   wants to get on the wagon, but the 15 vodkas are making it mildly difficult!

   Money can't buy happiness. But it can buy marshmallows, which are kinda the same thing.

   Great minds think alike. But dirty minds think the same.

   I need a hug. From your thighs.

   All flights to Colorado have been cancelled. The sky is just too foggy.

   Writing your girl a love poem is a little less special when she helps you spell some of the words.

   I'm sorry I slapped you but you didn't seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.

   Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.

   I am tired of men complaining about women complaining about men complaining about women

   North Korea is the snotty kid that no one liked and China is the babysitter that let him do what he wanted so she could fu*k her boyfriend.

   I was sure they'd name that baby King Ralph...

   I didn't get a chance to check instagram today....does anyone know if the sun set this evening?

   Anthony Weiner came up short.

   I spend more time hitting the damn snooze button than I do snoozing.