Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Iphone has just patented anti sexting software..brett favre your going to want to get a DROID

   I like to think that when you die, you get to see your stats and high scores like at the end of a video game.

   New Year's Eve: Where old acquaintance be forgot...Unless, of course, those tests come back positive!

   Bringing a date to a wedding is like taking a deer carcass on a hunting trip

   I wonder if its cold? It would be great if someone would post a temperature related update so I would know.

   it just me or is anyone else forced to feed their evil dust bunnies that live under there bed??

   I often view the Thanksgiving table as a roulette table, something about potato salad and macaroni salad made by people that don't like me makes me think I would be safer in Vegas betting the house and car

   Bruce Lee, Jimi Hendrix and Bill Nye all have the same birthday. And that day is today. November 27th should be renamed Awesome Day

   No officer...I'm not slurring my speech. I'm speaking in cursive...

   One day, you come home and everything has changed, like the locks.

   i'm not real happy that the wrapping on my toilet paper said '100% Recycled' !!

   seriously ....BACON flavored Vodka !?!?!? Now all you alcoholics that are on the Atkins diet REJOICE !!!!!!! do the fat happy dance...and fall over !!!!

   It felt good to turn my lights out yesterday for Earth Day. On hindsight,i probably shouldn't have been driving at the time.

   finds it ironic how people 'like' pages that start with "I hate..."

   If someone calls me fat, I don't get angry. I just turn the other chin.

   peer preasure wont work I will not try your the automatic friend frinder facebook

   So Lebron is going to take mental notes on everyone who's been taking shots at him this summer... I mean, if it was actual notes, with like a pen and paper, I might be scared! but since it's mental notes... nothing to worry about!

   I've started keeping two lists: "To do" and "Too late"

   I think, therefore we have nothing in common

   wants to get on the wagon, but the 15 vodkas are making it mildly difficult!