Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
Women don't trust Men, not because they cheat but because they know how scandalous and shady other Women are! 
If I had it to do all over again, I'd do it all over you.
I Typed in search box on Google : "What do woman want?". Google Replied : "We are also searching..."
The name brand bologna was on sale and actually cheaper than the store brand today but I still bought the store brand because I don't want my family getting used to such luxuries...
People who put the toilet paper roll facing in are the worst human beings.
Well, this is my favorite time of year! Coming up this weekend...on Friday and Saturday before super bowl, they will have the BEST free samples at Costco.
There are two things a man can never hide: 1. When he`s drunk, and 2. and when he's in love...
When I get old, I don't want people thinking, "what a sweet old grandpa..." I want them to worry - "I hope he is not armed with AK 47..."
Hate when I'm having a great day and someone speaks to me.
Think I will wear my new underwear tonight... Yesssssss!!
That uneasy moment between your birth and your death.
Yes, people who exercise live longer. But those extra years are spent...umm...excercising!
Do you call Gatorade by the color instead of the flavor.
Pizza Hut is selling a pizza with hotdogs in the crust???... Aren't the type of people who order this,, the same people who aren't able to waddle quick enough to answer the door?
Decided to clean the kitchen this morning, started with the last of the rum cake. Cleaned that right up. Decided that was enough cleaning for today..
The Muppets would have been so much better if Kermit had been voiced by John Wayne.
1:00pm *Hears noise* "Hmm I wonder what that was..." 1:00am *Hears noise* "OH MY GOD I AM GOING TO BE MURDERED!"
As boy's we all way's wondered what was in a girl's diary.Now facebook has shown us !!
Can't we all just learn how to swim?
Its Soo Hot....The Jehovah Witnesses ain't even out today. 