Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just bought a trophy at a garage sale. I would like to thank my friends and family, the community of hastings minnesota, and my dentist. I couldn't have done it without you. RJ

   SARCASM- Because beating the crap out of people up is an offence.

   Awesome idea for a new reality show. Amanda Knox and Cassey Anthony locked in a house together. We get to see who makes it out alive.

   Please stop picturing me naked... I haven't even brushed my teeth yet!

   I'm convinced that anyone driving the speed limit or slower is either 80+yrs. Or has drugs in their car...

   I hate mosquitoes, they're like nature's version of a Jehovah's Witness..........

   I'm not Crazy, I'm just a sane person trapped in the body of a Lunatic!!!

   I was just dishonorably discharged from Old Navy.

   Absence makes the heart grow fonder...but Abstinence makes the arm grow stronger.

   If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn't even be nominated.

   I have a friend with only one eye. I like to show him weird sh*t and tell him "You won't believe your eye!"

   You're too cute to be single." and you're too ugly to be flirting with me.

   "Obese roll models" joke was done just 2 pages ago, does no one check before they copy and paste others twitter jokes anymore? Just rude....

   4 hours and 59 minutes ago I took a 5 Hour Energy shot, so these are my final words as an energetic man. It was fun while it lasted.

   I have to get out of the car... but I like this song.

   Seems like MTV is moments away from just using people's vacation footage as television programming.

   So if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

   Why isn't "talk like Samuel L. Jackson day" a thing yet?

   People only speak about your life because their own lives are nothing to speak of.

   It would be so cool if I could see what my life would be like if I had made different decisions.