Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People who put the toilet paper roll facing in are the worst human beings.

   Well, this is my favorite time of year! Coming up this weekend...on Friday and Saturday before super bowl, they will have the BEST free samples at Costco.

   There are two things a man can never hide: 1. When he`s drunk, and 2. and when he's in love...

   When I get old, I don't want people thinking, "what a sweet old grandpa..." I want them to worry - "I hope he is not armed with AK 47..."

   Hate when I'm having a great day and someone speaks to me.

   Think I will wear my new underwear tonight... Yesssssss!!

   4 hours and 59 minutes ago I took a 5 Hour Energy shot, so these are my final words as an energetic man. It was fun while it lasted.

   I have to get out of the car... but I like this song.

   Seems like MTV is moments away from just using people's vacation footage as television programming.

   So if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

   Why isn't "talk like Samuel L. Jackson day" a thing yet?

   Absence makes the heart grow fonder...but Abstinence makes the arm grow stronger.

   If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn't even be nominated.

   I have a friend with only one eye. I like to show him weird sh*t and tell him "You won't believe your eye!"

   You're too cute to be single." and you're too ugly to be flirting with me.

   "Obese roll models" joke was done just 2 pages ago, does no one check before they copy and paste others twitter jokes anymore? Just rude....

   People only speak about your life because their own lives are nothing to speak of.

   It would be so cool if I could see what my life would be like if I had made different decisions.

   That uneasy moment between your birth and your death.

   Yes, people who exercise live longer. But those extra years are spent...umm...excercising!