Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Gary Busey kicked @ss during his halftime performance.....

   eating his cocoa puffs and when I am done I will drink the chocolate milk!!! yeah that's right that's how I roll!

   The other day I admitted that I saw both The Devil Wears Prada and Nanny Diaries in the same conversation. I should hand my penis right back to my parents.

   Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that)

   Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.

   loves when he adds a friend and that friend NEVER posts a message to me or anything....why did you even add me ya stoop

   I like vending machines 'cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it... so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.

   My friend pointed out the other day, that the book/film "New Moon" is bassically just one girls choice between Beastiality, or Necrophilia... hope that gives you ladies out there a little perspective on "romance."

   if the broom fits...RIDE IT!

   Been on hold so long I forgot who I called. Got a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't narrow it down much.

   I haven't seen chaos like in Egypt since Popeye's opened a restaurant in Atlanta!!

   I’m better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.

   Blessed are those who are cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light!

   Just because I tell you that I love you does not mean I really do. I might be drunk. Or just really, really horny.

   I love New England!!! (Clam Chowder)

   If you're happy and you know it.......you're probably single.

   The Queen just got out of the hospital from a gastroenterits.. I call it : "The Royal Flush"!

   WWE: 2 people fighting over a belt even though neither of them is wearing pants.

   When I was 12 my mom caught me dry humpin' my stuffed animal Tweety Bird.. we haven't made eye contact since.

   My Ultra Sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.