Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Pocahontas" + "Iron Man" + "Surrogates" + "The Last Samurai" = Avatar

   ok I have received those emails and basically.. "Yes I do want a bigger penis, but not if there's a flipping virus attached!"

   mailing out 'blank inside' note cards to all the people that make me crazy...let them go crazy trying to figure out where it came from and what it should have said...

   Gary Busey kicked @ss during his halftime performance.....

   eating his cocoa puffs and when I am done I will drink the chocolate milk!!! yeah that's right that's how I roll!

   The other day I admitted that I saw both The Devil Wears Prada and Nanny Diaries in the same conversation. I should hand my penis right back to my parents.

   If you try to fail and succeed which have you done?

   It must be impossible to stand out as a prostitute working on Halloween.

   why don't you slip into something a little more comfortable... Like a coma.

   Wife had a facelift today,not high enough,i can still see it,

   Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that)

   Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.

   loves when he adds a friend and that friend NEVER posts a message to me or anything....why did you even add me ya stoop

   I like vending machines 'cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it... so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.

   My friend pointed out the other day, that the book/film "New Moon" is bassically just one girls choice between Beastiality, or Necrophilia... hope that gives you ladies out there a little perspective on "romance."

   if the broom fits...RIDE IT!

   Been on hold so long I forgot who I called. Got a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't narrow it down much.

   I haven't seen chaos like in Egypt since Popeye's opened a restaurant in Atlanta!!

   I’m better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.

   Blessed are those who are cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light!