Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We're shutdown, but not 'stop collecting taxes' shutdown.........- the government

   If you tell people you used to weigh 500 pounds they'll tell you how great you look at 250.

   My GF asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes yesterday. She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.

   The only way I would jump off the Trump train is if I find out he had sex with Hillary.

   Oh, you like camping? I like drinking outside too.

   The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener.

   I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn't the right answer...

   I swear one day I'm going to wake up with my phone shoved up my ass and divorce papers scattered around me.

   I don't trust people who have carpet in their kitchen.

   It should be called a "vaninja", since I never see one.

   If you're into girls that shout at the TV as they eat Doritos in their Hello Kitty pajamas, you're gonna fall in love with me so hard.

   The US beat Canada at hockey this week... In retaliation, a new Nickelback album will be unleashed.. We brought this upon ourselves America.

   Nicky Minaj is like Tang. She's dry, orange, and nobody actually likes her.

   These XXX Olympics are not what I thought they'd be

   The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

   I Just backed into a Jaguar, but I left him a note on my bank statement,, so he knows not to bother calling

   If money grew on tree's, some girls I know would date monkeys !

   I have an electric stove, but I prefer acoustic.

   Traffic would be awesome if we all drove hamster balls.

   Seems like everything is going according to plan as usual. The media is distracting the public masses with Miley Cyrus, not seeing that the U.S. is gearing up for another useless war with Syria....'They' got you by the balls.