Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Finally got around to shaving my crotch after a few years. Its nice to see my knees again.

   Probably drank too much coffee this morning. Probably drank too much. Probably too much coffee. Drank too much. Coffee. Probably.

   My wife is a liar! Last night I texted her and asked here where she was, she said with her sister Emma. I Was with her sister Emma!!

   Women are always saying how men judge a girl based on looks. That's actually true. Since all women are crazy, you might as well go for the fit ones.

   I'm not sure I did myself any favours when I shouted "Take it like a man!" during an@l sex with my girlfriend last night.

   Keeping a kayak on the top of your car is a great way to say “I’m outdoorsy, yet douchey

   Ever notice the bleeped out every word R2D2 said in Star Wars?

   You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.

   I play hopscotch all the time! I also play hopvodka, hoprum, and hoptequila.

   If there's anything I teach my daughter it will be to not ignore the nerds. Those people grow up to be sexy!

   I love make up sex. Especially with Katy Perry. I make up sex with her all the time.

   To really intrigue, women must be capable of revenge and cruelty — toward others or themselves.

   If someone doesn't appreciate your presence, make them appreciate your absence.

   Big shout out to all the spiders not building their webs at face level.

   When I was her age I was riding a bicycle, not d!ck.

   ‎1 in 5 people in the world is Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad. Or my older brother George. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's George.

   What's the difference between Penn State and the State Penn??? Sandusky will be catching not pitching!

   Tim Tebow's Easter sermon ended abruptly when he was replaced by Peyton Manning halfway through it.

   I hate when I see the skinniest people at the gym, Why are you there, YOU WON ALREADY!

   Are the people that leave their Christmas lights on the house and just turn them on in December smart or just plain lazy??