Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I read that a banana a day will help keep your colon clean. I just wish they would’ve mentioned that you’re supposed to eat them.....

   I'll bet Rosa Parks kicked ass at Musical Chairs.

   Lance Armstrong cheated this whole time? Yeah right...next thing you're going to tell me is that Subway's footlong sandwiches are only 11 inches long...silly people...

   I'm just a guy standing in front of a huge pile of laundry wondering how flammable it is.

   freely admits that I don't know how to play Minesweeper - I just click random boxes hoping I'm right.

   If you knew how many trips to the bathroom every phone has taken, you'd never, ever, ever, ever, ever touch somebody else's phone. Ever.

   Finally got around to shaving my crotch after a few years. Its nice to see my knees again.

   Probably drank too much coffee this morning. Probably drank too much. Probably too much coffee. Drank too much. Coffee. Probably.

   My wife is a liar! Last night I texted her and asked here where she was, she said with her sister Emma. I Was with her sister Emma!!

   Women are always saying how men judge a girl based on looks. That's actually true. Since all women are crazy, you might as well go for the fit ones.

   I'm not sure I did myself any favours when I shouted "Take it like a man!" during an@l sex with my girlfriend last night.

   Keeping a kayak on the top of your car is a great way to say “I’m outdoorsy, yet douchey

   Ever notice the bleeped out every word R2D2 said in Star Wars?

   You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.

   I play hopscotch all the time! I also play hopvodka, hoprum, and hoptequila.

   If there's anything I teach my daughter it will be to not ignore the nerds. Those people grow up to be sexy!

   I love make up sex. Especially with Katy Perry. I make up sex with her all the time.

   To really intrigue, women must be capable of revenge and cruelty — toward others or themselves.

   If someone doesn't appreciate your presence, make them appreciate your absence.

   Big shout out to all the spiders not building their webs at face level.