Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At the end of Goonies, Chunk says to Sloth, “you’re gonna live with me now.” Why isn’t that a movie yet?

   I wonder how many people die each year from lifeguards running in slow motion?

   Technically, I don't have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I'm not doing anything.

   thinks laughter is the second best medicine. The best medicine is medicine.

   hoping for the falling satellite to hit the entire cast of Jersey Shore.

   “Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, for they become actions. Watch your actions, for they become habits. Watch your habits, for they become character. Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

   The Asian B0ner -> Often Mistaken For a Third N!pple.

   The ice cream man has been turning his music off on our block since the day we paid with a protein-crusted sock full of corroded pennies.

   If a girl will go out in public with bed head, there's a lot of other stuff she will do. Marry her.

   Fine dont text me back then. Its not like I'm obsessively checking my phone or anything

   I'd like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I'm afraid they'll be used against me in a court of law someday.

   I met a cute girl in the tampon aisle today... so I asked if she'd be free to go out for dinner in 5-7 days...

   When your girlfriend says do what ever you want. Do not do what ever you want!

   Anyone else having trouble with these nicotine patches? Mine melt as soon as I light them.

   I read that a banana a day will help keep your colon clean. I just wish they would’ve mentioned that you’re supposed to eat them.....

   I'll bet Rosa Parks kicked ass at Musical Chairs.

   Lance Armstrong cheated this whole time? Yeah right...next thing you're going to tell me is that Subway's footlong sandwiches are only 11 inches long...silly people...

   I'm just a guy standing in front of a huge pile of laundry wondering how flammable it is.

   freely admits that I don't know how to play Minesweeper - I just click random boxes hoping I'm right.

   If you knew how many trips to the bathroom every phone has taken, you'd never, ever, ever, ever, ever touch somebody else's phone. Ever.