Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If there was a hero that saved people from awkward conversations, he'd be more popular than Superman

   :You know that saying "Once you go black, you never go back"? Well I tell you, it sure does not apply to licorice.

   BEST PICK UP LINE: Let´s drink Vodka until you don´t remember what I suggest next..

   Black Friday is all the companies telling you they could sell their products at these prices everyday of the year....kinda reminding of us of how stupid we are and how greedy they are!!

   Charlie Sheen is visiting Colombia and for the first time ever the country is in fear of running out of cocaine!!

   "Some days, you're the status; others, just a comment."

   Don't take nude pics. Problem solved.

   The show "Toddlers and Tiaras" was so named because "Strippers in Training" and "Mothers with Self-esteem Issues" just wasn't as catchy.

   For every cigarette you smoke God takes away 1 year of your life and gives it to Hugh Hefner.

   Dear Captain Crunch. Your little squares are tasty little morsals of joy and happiness. But eating a pile of gravel from my yard would be less painfull. Please work on that.

   Wonders if a Facebook "Poke" is equivalent to a "Quickie". Please tell me, I'm not the only one who has pondered this...

   I am fluent in three languages: English, Profanity, and Sarcasm :)

   My wife treats me like a god... She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.

   -- People often offer me incentives to quit smoking such as ......"Think of all the money you'd save".........Surely that'd just be the money i'd need to survive my longer life ?...

   I hate it when my party can't start because Ke$ha wont walk in...

   Damn predictive text! I swear, I honestly didn't say I wanna kick your puppy

   keep having a recurring dream. It's like the Family Guy giant chicken fight, but its Romney and big bird

   ASKHOLE: A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them

   If you're still here on December 22nd, you'll know I have successfully saved the world. In appreciation, I will accept money, exotic cars, and property as a form of payment. Now, if you'll excuse me....I have a job to do.

   Only a real genius could say these four words fast without getting tongue tied: eye, yam, stew, peed