Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Shout out to all the people in church today, who didn't speak to anyone, cause their breath still smelled like Jack Daniels.

   Be positive. Every morning look yourself in the mirror and say: I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it people want to f*ck me.

   The inventor of the Hokey Pokey died today. Trying to get him in the coffin was a nightmare... They put the left leg in....................

   hey single moms go have your own day someplace else, this is our day so make me a sammich with BACON and stfu

   I'm not proud of this, but I haven't showered since last year...

   Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.

   My wife isn't speaking to me. All because I didn't open the car door for her. I guess I just panicked and swam to the surface.

   read that Macho Man Randy Savage's funeral arrangements will be handled by The Undertaker.

   Sometimes I regret bringing sexy back.

   Games will be played, lies will be told, hearts and promises will be broken, feelings will be hurt, tears will fall, people will change, trust will be betrayed, and rumors will spread. But through it all, life will always go on.

   I love to stand in line at ATM machines, and when people put in their PIN, I yell GOT IT then run away.

   If you actually believe in this Doomsday & Rapture nonsense...Please gracefully delete yourself from my friend's list...Coz I am allergic to retards and idiots.

   Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

   I bribed a cop this morning, handed him my drivers license with a doughnut underneath

   To whom it may concern, The inventor of thirsty Thursday obviously never had to work on friday...

   Here's a picture of me with the band REM. That's me in the corner.

   single moms do not get to celebrate fathers day, go grab your 50 Shades book and zip it

   go to translate.google.com - type "........" change language to Japanese, click listen... Enjoy!

   Facebook is in a relationship with the stock market and it's complicated.

   RIP-Michael Clark Duncan. You've walked the last "Green mile".