Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Give a man a gun he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the whole world

   My biggest fear is dying and becoming a ghost that has to go around and get people to try my blueberry cereal.

   Justin Bieber takes his relationship with Selena Gomez public. I think that it is so sweet that he's pretending to like girls....

   I shot Big Foot last night but I dumped the body in the ocean before I could get a picture.

   Heros don't wear capes, they wear dog tags.

   I am never shocked or surprised when someone I trust and love backstabs or betrays me. Even the Devil was once an angel. Even Judas was once a loyal disciple.

   added my friend Jamal as a neighbour on Farmville yesterday.I logged on this morning to find that all my chickens had been stolen and he'd opened up a KFC

   Heard the miners in Chile are being removed Juan by Juan...

   What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovahs Witness?…. Someone who knocks at your door for no apparent reason.

   I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" I didn't know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again

   Americans can always be counted on to do the right thing after they have exhausted all other possibilities.

   Why are there never any protests at events for Hillary or Bernie? Because those people have jobs and are at work.

   I wonder what the person who discovered milk was doing with the cow...

   Thumbs up if you still kicking it old skool without the timeline........

   knows that your husband isn't realy taking tennis lessons on Sundays...

   I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.

   Buckwheat (of Little Rascals fame) has converted to Islam and changed his name to Kareem of Wheat.

   Broccoli: “I look like a tree.” Walnut: “I look like a brain.” Mushroom: “I look like an umbrella.” Banana: “Dude?! Change the topic!”

   ⓘ ⓦⓐⓢ ⓑⓞⓡⓔⓓ, ⓢⓞ ⓘ ⓓⓔ©ⓘⓓⓔⓓ ⓣⓞ ⓟⓤⓣ ⓛⓔⓣⓣⓔⓡⓢ ⓘⓝⓢⓘⓓⓔ ⓑⓤⓑⓑⓛⓔⓢ.

   wondering if i'm updating my facebook status now, then who is watching the hostages?