Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So I'm seeing this girl right? And.........ah who am I kidding....im gonna go masturbate!!

   Food Network is like Porn...you always wanna try out what they are doing!

   I hate it when I keep my swag on all day and overswagulate.

   colorblind and trying to solve a rubiks cube... this could take a while

   So, ummm, Rihanna? Could you please give me a little variety in your music? I swear, woman -- ALL of your songs have the same beat and consists of you repeating multiple words multiple times. Work on that.

   At this point the only thing that could save Denver is President Obama pulling out his pen and ordering Seattle to redistribute some of its points.

   Spoiler Alert: Phillip Seymore Hoffman dies at the end of his Facebook movie.

   Earlier today Donald Trump crashed his yacht into my yacht... We laughed & laughed,,,, & then we smoked some money

   Slept over at a kids house once in third grade. Saw him pour milk into bowl first, then cereal. Never talked to him again. He's in jail now

   Yo mama so fat, she need cheat codes for Wii fit.

   People who take the elevator up one floor should wear signs reading "I quit trying at life long ago."

   Privilege is living in public housing where you don't have a utility bill and where rising property taxes, rent and energy costs have no effect on how much food you can put on your table.

   Is it bad that when I saw the name "Ke$ha" I automatically thought she was Black?

   I've gotta come clean. That's why I masturbate with Purell®.

   Dear Android developers,Could you please stop making new phones for just a little while not too long but just a little while so I can experience contentment with the phone that I have ..ps I cannot afford to buy every phone you make.

   What's black and fills in welfare forms?......A pen. :P

   Did anyone else feel that? Oprah must be fat again

   has 2 mysterious people living in our house... Somebody and Nobody. Somebody did it and nobody knows who!

   Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words.

   dear america, this years election is your IQ test. Right now it doesnt look good ... -the world