Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Want people to pay more attention to you? Carry a giant axe.

   I'll probably lose all the weight I want now that I've permanently lost my appetite after reading the headline "Nancy Grace Nipple Slip".

   Going to McDonalds for a salad is like paying a Hooker for a hug!

   Next time someone asks you who pissed in your cheerios. Tell them I did it.

   I got a new job with the local hostage negotiators and tried to phone in sick but the ba$tards talked me out of it.

   Daily Random 'F*ck You': To those people that get a puppy or kitten because they're so cute but then get rid of them when they grow into adult animals, F*CK YOU!

   Vending machines are so homophobic. I'm sorry my dollar is not straight enough for you.

   I saw this guy using a flip cell phone, just like the one Lincoln used

   Please spare a thought for the man who told his wife he was going on a business trip to China on that Malaysian Airlines Flight No MH. 370, and now can't come out of his girlfriend's apartment. (Ever)

   Porn Hub has pledged to plant a new tree for every hundred videos viewed on its site. The amount of tissue paper I get through, I'm still not sure that's environmentally sustainable.

   Females are crazy. You can text your girl "Sweetheart I got those Paris tickets you wanted. My friend Sarah hooked me up" And the only thing she saw was Sarah

   You don't need a parachute to skydive. You do need a parachute to skydive twice.

   It ain't Ghana happen!! Go U.S.A!!!

   If you mix Jack Daniels with a Smirnoff, are you drinking a jack-off?

   When two sets of boobs cross paths, the larger set has the right of way.

   I pledged allegiance “to the Republic for Witches Stand” until the 4th grade.

   When I was a kid..They didnt call it ADHD.. They called it you getting a whoopin' you little brat!

   Honey, I let myself go and gained all this weight to prevent other men from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.

   Attention all crackheads,and homeless people.... it is a very bad time to ask me if I have any "spare change" when I'm pumping $4.39 a gallon gas into my car.

   oh yes, talk dirty to me...whisper sweet nothings in my ear. Tell me how you're gonna bend over that sink and ... wash them damn dishes!