Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 195 of 6371
Dear problems..plz gimme a discount..I'm your regular customer
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08-27-2018 12:31 by raman911
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"Better to be the worst of the best, than the best of the worst."
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09-10-2018 03:28
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Saying “just kidding” is a way to tell the truth without getting punched in the face.
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09-10-2018 06:49
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If you leave a cupcake out long enough, it just becomes a cookie
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10-14-2018 02:40 by Drew
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There is strength in loyalty; not in numbers.
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10-20-2018 10:04
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If I had a pet unicorn, I'd probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
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10-21-2018 06:31
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. A Hypochondriac is a person who can't leave well enough alone.
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10-22-2018 21:43 by Haha
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Whoever coined the phrase, "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
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10-27-2018 07:47
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Sometimes I put my car in neutral at stoplights and roll back a little so people will think I drive a manual...
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11-03-2018 16:14 by Gabe
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The fastest way to get to the front of the line at Starbucks is just to tell everyone you saw Adele outside.
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07-03-2016 14:56
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Claiming a product promotes "Weight Loss" when combined with diet and exercise is like claiming that it grants wishes when used with a leprechaun.
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07-19-2016 11:21
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All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
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07-20-2020 08:28
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Dear Cupid, Next time hit both.
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09-14-2020 12:53
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the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
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10-02-2020 08:48
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I still eat around bruised parts of fruit like a scared 4-year-old.
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10-02-2020 08:53
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They say the average adult has sex 54x a year. So, this should be a heck of a 3 months!
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
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10-05-2020 08:00
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I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
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10-08-2020 17:22
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Thanksgiving is coming...time to set the weigh scale ahead 8 lbs.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
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10-21-2020 06:05
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