Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "This Cold Medicine Lasts 8 Hours" is the "I Promise I'll Pull Out, Baby" of the pharmaceutical industry.

   The Wonderbra has truth in advertising. She takes it off, I wonder where the boobs went.

   Sometimes the feelings we start to have again are feelings that never really went away in the first place.

   now friends with Jose Cuervo

   ...Nothing says "this wont last"...quite like an engagement ring from Wal-Mart!

   Dear Week, I am leaving you for the Weekend. I would say it's not you, it's me, but let's face it, it was you. Sincerely, Me

   I always text 'lol' but rarely do I actually "laugh out loud". I'm such a liar.

   Please hold while I put on my "Gosh I really care" face.

   So here I am,at the hospital,in the O.R,with scaple in hand,wishing I hadn't lied on my resume about being a surgen...well here goes nothing!

   When I see a woman post consistantly that "All men suck!", I reply with either "Perhaps the problem lies with you." Or "Tell us again who makes the choice to date these a$$holes?"

   when everything seems overwhelming, I just reassure myself that I will die someday....

   I need to either get a new air conditioner or move into my refrigerator.

   Day by day, nothing really changes. Yet when you look back, everything seems different.

   Let's not forget a Happy Father's day to all the Sugar Daddies out there.

   My teacher always is talking to her imaginary friend named "Class".

   What a day, I'm so tired already! I sent three faxes, answered the phone once, had lunch, made a paper airplane and sent 452 updates.

   Why doesn't facebook just change the Poke to what it really means. "Bend over, I'll drive."

   The rest of the world uses Facebook to overthrow evil dictators. I just learned some girl I hated in high school likes her new pedicure.

   I just seen someone dressed as the Statue of Liberty running down the road being chased by a Rottweiler..... Today is off to a great start!!!

   Don't waste your time on someone who isn't willing to waste their time on you.