Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Drank two pitchers of mojitos and didn't post a photo of it... Yes,,, it IS actually possible do that.

   A girl on Facebook posted about how she sprained her toe, and I didn't comment on how I hope it wasn't her camel toe, because I'm an adult. I sent it in a pvt message ;~)

   I bet shady people have a really hard time getting tan

   Women on fb. They "Poke" you a hundred times a day. Then they find Mr. Perfect for the millionth time and then disappear...until the big breakup a week later...then the Pokes start up again. DELETE!

   It has been proven that girls whose profile pics were taken in a mirror or more likely to send you nudes

   Every time I see you my heart flutters, and time slows down. So either I'm in love or having a stroke!

   If I ever go missing, put my picture on a bourbon bottle; no one I know drinks milk.

   My wife said she would jump in front of a bullet for me. I got my gun out. She is such a liar.

   My friend asked “What do blind people think about when they masturbate?” I’d be willing to bet that it is something along the lines of “Who is watching me”

   How to get along with your spouse: Don't have one.

   And the award for best neckwear goes to....... Hmmm,, Well would you look at that, it's a tie

   My wife and I got a book on how to spice up our love life. One suggestion was to make love in a car wash. It was great but it really pissed off those people doing their church fund raiser.

   The only rule of the Chess Club is to hide from the Fight Club.

   I have no time for stupid people But they sure do have time for me.

   My neighbours diary say's I have boundary issues.

   Sorry I accidentally turned off all the lights and played dead when you knocked on the door.

   Sometimes I can't remember what parking lot I left my car in at the mall so I get it Malaysia Airlines...I totally get it.

   And in the news today, Justin Bieber has yet to be shot in a drive by. . .

   The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.

   has invented a time machine! Unfortunatly, it can only go about one minute into the future. Coincidentally, it takes one minute for it to work........wait a minute(looks around warily)