Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife said she would jump in front of a bullet for me. I got my gun out. She is such a liar.

   My solution to world hunger: Tell em to order Dominoes Pizza.....they can't possibly get in 30 minutes so it would all be free.

   Liking your own status is like high-five-ing yourself in public

   Tomorrow is the 1 day that dyslexics will b able to get a date right. :-B

   There are two varieties of hoe. One is a gardening tool. The other is a hardening tool.

   Drank two pitchers of mojitos and didn't post a photo of it... Yes,,, it IS actually possible do that.

   either i'm becoming bitter and judgemental or everyone else has become stupid and pathetic.

   Ladies, if you ever want a guaranteed call from your man, just send him to the grocery store without a shopping list.

   Facebook just suggested I be friends with my ex. I marked it 'Offensive

   Whenever my EX shows up in my Facebook feed, I think "I am so glad you're the one that got away."

   I was dating an English teacher, but she dumped me.... She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.

   When I sing with my headphones in I think, "Why don't I have a record deal?!"...Then I take them out and I know why.

   My friend asked “What do blind people think about when they masturbate?” I’d be willing to bet that it is something along the lines of “Who is watching me”

   How to get along with your spouse: Don't have one.

   And the award for best neckwear goes to....... Hmmm,, Well would you look at that, it's a tie

   My wife and I got a book on how to spice up our love life. One suggestion was to make love in a car wash. It was great but it really pissed off those people doing their church fund raiser.

   The only rule of the Chess Club is to hide from the Fight Club.

   I have no time for stupid people But they sure do have time for me.

   My neighbours diary say's I have boundary issues.

   Sorry I accidentally turned off all the lights and played dead when you knocked on the door.