Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I didn't think my hangover was that bad until I spent 10 minutes logging into my nephew's Etch-a-sketch

   Sex burns 25.7 calories per minute, with that being said, wanna work out? ;)

   Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest sh!t.

   I'm sorry I keep calling you and hanging up. I just got this new phone and it's voice activated. So every time I yell dumb ass, it dials you.

   The world would be a much better place if everyone just did what I told them to do and stopped asking so many stupid questions.

   I've never seen more than 600 dollars worth of cars in a 7-Eleven parking lot.

   Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks I'm not reading it.

   if you aren't pissing off at least 10 people a day, you aren't trying...

   I sent a text message pouring my damn heart out, and all you reply back with is "K"... B$tch you was better off not replying.

   3 reasons why I'm single… Can't date food, can't date celebs, and I can't date the internet.

   I find it ironic that chicks are always attracted to a$$holes, but rarely agree to anal.

   Whenever somebody ask me what's my favorite movie or song, that's exactly the moment when I forget every f*cking movie or song I've ever come across in my whole life!

   Thanks to ads all over sites, I now have 32 iPhones, 100,000,000$ and three dates tonight!

   1600's: "Oh Dearest Romeo, I write to inform you I have received your letter and I've been left quite speechless" 2011: " K "

   You laugh because you think it's a joke. I laugh because you think I'm joking.

   Governments always put all states on high alert after a bomb blast. What a freaking joke... its like putting on a condom after a positive pregnancy test!!!

   Did you know if you ask a hairstylist for the "Bieber" They'll shave off all your pubes?

   wondering if anybody is feeling Obama's Stimulus "Package" yet?

   Just killed a bug with a bible...not sure what happens now.

   I always say, "If you can't say anything nice, we have a lot in common. "