Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women are simply incredible, magnificent, alluring creatures. Why they're all not lesbians is beyond me.

   Half of my Facebook friends are still there solely because their life is a train wreck and it's entertaining.

   My girlfriend just replied to my text saying she is up for a threesome tonight! Now I am anxiously waiting for my wife to reply.

   Remember me? I was your friend when you were single.

   Your relationship ended. Not your life -_-

   Im worried, about that one cute sweet innocent girl who keeps liking my fb post.

   Karma takes too long ..... I'd rather beat the sh%t out of you.

   You can tell a lot about someone by the swastika they've carved into their forehead.

   My girlfriends dad asked me what I do... Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.

   When it is this hot out, I like to walk around in my underwear in the air conditioning. I don't know why 7-11 has a problem with this..

   My old fish didn't move around in her bowl all day. I hought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.

   Some of the most dangerous, poisonous kinds of snakes are hard to identify because they look just like a friend.

   Today's brilliant idea: Slim Fast beer.

   Lord, it's me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?

   On Monday, Chipotle will begin selling tofu burritos in the New York area. So if you love burritos, and you love tofu . . . you probably don’t exist.

   I find it very stressful that Smokey thinks that I’m the only one that can prevent forest fires. I don’t feel trained for this, and I certainly didn't sign up for the position.

   I just realized that yet another piece of Americana is gone. The computer age has completely obliterated the following often heard phrase: "Send a self-addressed stamped envelope...."

   Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.

   Skeet shooting will be a popular way to do Christmas shopping once Amazon starts delivering packages with drones.

   This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.