Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My car is getting pressure washed...So far, Sandy is dandy!

   69% of people on FB are childish and immature

   Keep your friends close & your enemies, in your trunk.. Unless you're crossing the border.. Then don't do that

   Thank you for the birthday wished. I'd comment on each of them, but I'm lazy. Plus this way those that have yet to wish me a happy birthday will see this post and be reminded to do so. Ultimately resulting in more birthday wishes on my FB wall. :0)

   ..nothing up here, try further down the page.

   Cavemen would feel right at home in the 21st century if they watched our commercials.

   I might not be the sharpest knife in the drawer but I will still cut you.

   Guys at the gym tryna look BIG by fitting into the smallest shirt possible. Wait, what's that shirt say? Daddy's Little Princess?

   you don't know what you don't know until you know what you didn't know...you know?

   I'm thinking of getting a tattoo saying, "I'll regret this one day"

   Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an idiot,,,,,, This needs to be a bumper sticker.

   "We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight around here." - Corporate ants.

   doctor: are you sexually active me: I'm not even physically active

   Forget healthcare, welfare, and gun control.... if you want to get to the root of this countries problems, look no further than the people who use hashtags on Facebook.

   I am so old I still have stuff written MADE IN USA.

   I've heard of women that aren't crazy ... but I've also heard of unicorns, so whatever...

   Women are simply incredible, magnificent, alluring creatures. Why they're all not lesbians is beyond me.

   Half of my Facebook friends are still there solely because their life is a train wreck and it's entertaining.

   My girlfriend just replied to my text saying she is up for a threesome tonight! Now I am anxiously waiting for my wife to reply.

   Remember me? I was your friend when you were single.