Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Today was a good day. I didn't have to slap anybody."

   Orwell called them Thought Police. Zuckerberg calls them Fact Checkers.

   it took bruce willis 130 minutes to realize he was a ghost and you expect men to notice a haircut.

   Why are people so upset about Kellyanne Conway on her knees in the Oval Office. This just happens to be the first time this event has been captured on film

   My car is getting pressure washed...So far, Sandy is dandy!

   69% of people on FB are childish and immature

   Keep your friends close & your enemies, in your trunk.. Unless you're crossing the border.. Then don't do that

   Thank you for the birthday wished. I'd comment on each of them, but I'm lazy. Plus this way those that have yet to wish me a happy birthday will see this post and be reminded to do so. Ultimately resulting in more birthday wishes on my FB wall. :0)

   ..nothing up here, try further down the page.

   Cavemen would feel right at home in the 21st century if they watched our commercials.

   I might not be the sharpest knife in the drawer but I will still cut you.

   Guys at the gym tryna look BIG by fitting into the smallest shirt possible. Wait, what's that shirt say? Daddy's Little Princess?

   you don't know what you don't know until you know what you didn't know...you know?

   I'm thinking of getting a tattoo saying, "I'll regret this one day"

   Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an idiot,,,,,, This needs to be a bumper sticker.

   "We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight around here." - Corporate ants.

   doctor: are you sexually active me: I'm not even physically active

   Forget healthcare, welfare, and gun control.... if you want to get to the root of this countries problems, look no further than the people who use hashtags on Facebook.

   I am so old I still have stuff written MADE IN USA.

   I've heard of women that aren't crazy ... but I've also heard of unicorns, so whatever...