Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just checked my wife's pulse. She's still crazy.

   Two year olds today can unlock an iphone, open and close apps all by themselves... When I was that age, I was eating dirt

   I started to do dishes, and checked Facebook real quick, and that was two years ago.

   Remember the old days when people screwed up their relationships naturally, without the help of the Internet? Those were good times.

   Why don't you go buy a diary Instead of posting your whole life story on Facebook?

   The only reason a husband would ever take up jogging is so that he could hear heavy breathing again.

   I have a Japanese friend who can write in that cool calligraphy. That's pretty impressive. Of course I won't be REALLY impressed until I see her do the "YMCA" dance in her own language.

   sleepy, wish I was a air traffic controler so I can catch up on my rest...

   If only I had stuck with dodgeball since elementary. I could have gone pro.........

   World Population Rank: 1.China 2.India 3.Facebook 4.USA 5.MySpace 6.Indonesia 7.Brazil 8.Twitter

   Just winked at myself in a mirror and physically felt the soul leave my body.

   I'm in that awkward stage between jail bait and a cougar - Janie

   would rather go down a slide of razor blades into a pool of lemon juice than go back to work today.

   Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.

   You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and damn move on.

   I hope to someday live in a world where we all remember which side the gas tank is on.

   I have seen a lot of women post on their Facebook about how they are missing their men, but I am yet to see a guy update his status about how much he is missing his woman. So my question is which men are these women missing?

   I asked my wife why her facebook password was SneezySleepyDopeyDocHappyBashfulGrumpy she said it needed to be seven characters

   whiskey: the official beverage of the FML

   I remember long ago I was going to make a big splash in this world...Turns out it was only a fart in the tub of life.