Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why don't you go buy a diary Instead of posting your whole life story on Facebook?

   The only reason a husband would ever take up jogging is so that he could hear heavy breathing again.

   I have a Japanese friend who can write in that cool calligraphy. That's pretty impressive. Of course I won't be REALLY impressed until I see her do the "YMCA" dance in her own language.

   sleepy, wish I was a air traffic controler so I can catch up on my rest...

   If only I had stuck with dodgeball since elementary. I could have gone pro.........

   World Population Rank: 1.China 2.India 3.Facebook 4.USA 5.MySpace 6.Indonesia 7.Brazil 8.Twitter

   Just winked at myself in a mirror and physically felt the soul leave my body.

   I'm in that awkward stage between jail bait and a cougar - Janie

   would rather go down a slide of razor blades into a pool of lemon juice than go back to work today.

   Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.

   You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and damn move on.

   I hope to someday live in a world where we all remember which side the gas tank is on.

   I have seen a lot of women post on their Facebook about how they are missing their men, but I am yet to see a guy update his status about how much he is missing his woman. So my question is which men are these women missing?

   I asked my wife why her facebook password was SneezySleepyDopeyDocHappyBashfulGrumpy she said it needed to be seven characters

   whiskey: the official beverage of the FML

   I remember long ago I was going to make a big splash in this world...Turns out it was only a fart in the tub of life.

   You're the one who posted over a thousand pictures of yourself on-line, why does looking at them make me the weird one?"

   a smile is a sign of joy, a hug is a sign of love, a laugh is a sign of happiness and a friend like me...well...that's a sign of good taste.

   I wonder if those guys who stand in the corners and flip those billboard signs around all day actually applied for that job or did they lose a bet?

   Looks like the forecast for the week is scattered school days.