Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife gets a bit irritated when I talk about my second and third marriage because, you know, she's my first.

   I guess all the leftover Thanksgiving dinner stuff is gone that was in the fridge. I'm telling everyone I quit cold turkey.

   If there's a law against showing boobs on TV, then what's with all these campaign ads?

   Just spent 5 minutes looking for the like button in an email....

   I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?" -Steven Wright

   I told my girlfriend that I would accompany her on her shopping trip to the mall. I have packed enough food and water to survive for three days.

   You seem insecure. Let's go out for drinks.

   .What's your dog's handkerchief for? Is he robbing a stagecoach later?

   Negative people and stupid people should be tape recorded and forced to listen to their own bullsh*t.

   Even if your not successful in life , You are guaranteed to get two certificates

   Only if these women were as thorough in choosing a man as they are in choosing which selfies to upload on facebook maybe they wouldn't get heartbroken so often.

   Weekend settings activated, please don't call unless if its alcohol, food, fun, alcohol, fun and food again. All problems deferred to Monday...

   I can't wait to find my soul mate so I can start sleeping on the couch.

   Dear radio and TV stations. There's a 100% likelihood I'm changing the station the second I hear a car commercial.

   that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?

   Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.

   I wonder what "don't touch" is in Braille.

   So,, The cashier at this Trader Joe's forgot to say "I love these" to one of my items, and now I have to go to the end of line and start over.

   After hearing Lady Gaga stripped naked on stage in an attempt to steal Miley Cyrus' limelight, I can't help but think this will only end when one of them fires ping pong balls out of their fanny.

   So true the Republicans waited until the black guy dropped out the Presidential race before they started comparing genital sizes...