Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Police ordered me to get out of my car 'You're staggering' said the officer .'you're not a bad looking f*cker yourself' I replied

   Nothing says you almost got caught watching porn like staring at an empty Google search bar..

   Women are not complicated... They just want love... and chocolate... and shoes... and some other stuff

   "Give It To Me" She Screamed, "I'm getting Wet, Give It To Me Now".... "Screw Off" I replied "This Is My Umbrella"

   "Dad! There's a monster under my bed!" "That's silly. There's no mOH MY GOD! IT'S TEARING MY ARM OFF! Just kidding. It only eats kids. Goodnight..."

   The brawl at the Mall of America says more about our country than any five history books ever could.

   I toss and turn until 5 minutes before the alarm, then I drift peacefully off to sl--*beep*beep*beep*beep*!

   I know my dream woman is out there.. and that her boring friend is the one into me..

   Dear Google: We're not dating, so stop trying to finish my sentences. Sincerely, not searching for "Why can't midgets shave"

   More people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.

   Dear FCC, We already know whats being shown and said behind those blurs and black rectangles. Sincerely Everybody

   Dear mom, if you are reading this right now. I;m in the bathroom and we are out of toilet paper. Please Help!!

   If you guys were at a bar right now I'd burst through the door & say "Drinks are on me!" Then I'd go to the bathroom & climb out the window.

   I want to deactivate my FB account, but I know I would be proud of myself and want to announce it to everyone… on Facebook.

   Don`t flatter yourself, I sent a friend request not a marriage proposal.

   I'm too sexy for my ex.

   I still don't understand why these Christmas Carolers get spooked so easily....They act like they've never had a potato gun fired at them before! ツ

   I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I'm making a healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

   So my neighbor comes over last night and has the nerve to tell me to turn my music down.......So I says "What the heck are you even doing up at 2:00 am in the first place?!"

   The next relationship I get into, I will be buying a bottle of shampoo that some day...for they will both be in a secret competition to see which will last longer...