Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Compared with what normally comes out of Justin Bieber's mouth, I'd say vomit was probably the highlight of the concert.

   For years doctors thought I was autistic but turns out that I'm just an a$$hole.

   i had a sexy cashier tonight at the store....it was self check-out

   Where do I find these Binders full of women..............

   Somebody tell me how "Rub a dub dub, 3 men in a tub" became a nursery rhyme?

   I just saw a poster that said, "Have you seen this man?" with a number to call ... So I called the number and told them, "no."

   I'm a really nice guy before you get to know me.

   Never ever give a woman a straight answer. Give them gay answers, they love gay answers.

   The only charities I've donated money too recently are covered in glitter and dance to bad music.

   Considering what Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark did with their wealth, Bill Gates should be ashamed of himself.

   If someone steals your identity you should have every right to kill them. What are they gonna do, arrest you for suicide?

   My car horn sounds like I'm angrily squeezing a bath toy. Definitely NOT the effect I am going for when I get cut off.

   What idiot called it lap dancing instead of organ grinding?

   The problem with taking the road less traveled... is the poor phone signal...

   Whenever I move into a new neighborhood, the first thing I familiarize myself with is the liquor store coz you know priorities.

   Stress balls really work when you shove them down someone's throat.

   My girlfriend told me she bought a really sexy dress just for me. I'm planning on wearing it on Friday.

   Just got a fancy new bathroom scale that tells you what percentage pizza you are.

   Women are weird and difficult and frustrating but they sure do taste good.

   it is LITERALLY impossible to tell if a Skrillex track is skipping