Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   American women are way hotter. For starters, they have teeth.

   Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

   Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. So lets all get wasted and have the time of our lives!

   Shake the family tree...and watch the nuts fall !!

   The Playboy Channel accidentally aired on 2 kids networks. Kids were shocked to learn just how much “exploring” Dora was into

   [Watching a baby being born] is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

   Guess we know who 90,000 Boeing employees won't be voting for in 2012....

   Why do women always ask, 'Do these jeans make me look fat?" No, your A$$ does... Trust me ladies we don't care... We like ya naked...

   BREAKING NEWS: Rep. Weiner pulls out and resigns.

   If a robin makes red babies and a bluebird makes blue babies, what kind of bird makes no babies? A swallow.

   everyone has pretended to die infront their pets to see if they would do anything.

   Whenever my girlfriend tells me to "be safe" everytime I walk out the door, that means that I need to carry condoms with me, right?

   I failed this quiz question... Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the answer is Africa! Who knew?!?!

   How Dawn clean ducks but not my spaghetti bowl??

   When my girlfriend and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house. Just so I can say "Oh yeah, you need me NOW, huh?"

   Some people just need a hug... Around the neck. With my hands.

   Pizza Rolls are just Hot Pockets for midgets.

   If you ever get a sudden urge to run around naked, sniff some Windex first, it'll keep you from streaking.

   Tired of being single? Go sleep on the couch for a night and remember what it feels like to be in a relationship. 

   If men stopped holding doors open for them, would ladies just pile up outside?