Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As I scroll through my FB feed this holiday season, I find myself overcome with emotion and love. And then I remember I've had a lot of tequila and eggnog and I pass out on the floor.

   Facebook is the best way to prove that you made the right decision when you broke up with that person you dated in high school.

   When I stay at a man's house that I want to see again I always "accidentally" lose something there, like my phone, my sweater, or my dignity.

   ".. So he sayeth unto me 'Taketh NyQuil with the Wine and Ye shall feel the path with your thoughts and hear things with your vision.'"

   My wife called me a child. I told her, be careful who you're calling a child because if I'm a child, that makes you a pedophile. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna sit here and get lectured by a pervert.

   You haven’t seen a woman overreact until you tell her she is overreacting.

   The Twelve Jurors In The Casey Anthony Trial. Names Released! Homer Simpson, Moe Howard, Larry Fine, Curly Howard, Kelly Bundy, Eric Cartman Joey Tribbiani, Beavis, Butthead, Edith Bunker, SpongeBob SquarePants, The Coyote.

   just sneezed out a huge snot bubble in front of a client, so I panicked, sucked it back up my nose, and yelled "TA-DA!". Good save?

   If you laugh like this ----> bahaha, I assume you're part sheep. ;)

   Do not treat a woman like an object. It hates that...

   If Satan ever loses his hair, there will be Hell toupee.

   Somewhere In A Ghetto Household A 4 year old is "droppin it" like its hot while the family is clappin & yellin "Go SHANIQUA! Work it girl!"

   World Cup fixtures: on Monday Argentina meets Brazil in Cape Town. On Tuesday Spain meets Italy in Johannesburg and on Wednesday England meets France at the AIRPORT !!!

   Yo Mamas So Fat She Downloaded Cheats For Wii Fit

   Day 1-365: I am thankful for Veterans.

   I Googled "white nfl players arrested" and it came back "Do you mean 'black nfl players arrested'?"

   I guess being a rich candidate became an issue sometime after the Kerry/Edwards campaign…

   A cop stopped me and asked "Your eyes look red,ma'am. Have you been smoking pot?" I replied "No sir. But your eyes looked glazed. Have you been eating donuts?"

   thinks a GPS should just say warm...warmer...no idiot - cold...warmer...hot...ur frickin on FIRE! You have arrived at your destination.

   If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged... I would just start yelling out letters!