Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you are a kid, ''I'm going to tell your mom!'' is the scariest sentence ever!!!

   How to make a Wiz Khalifa song. •Say uhhh • Say something about weed(like 20 times) • Say you're reppin Taylor Gang.

   Huggies now offers a diaper called "Little Swimmers;" which I believe are what actually cause the babies in the 1st place.

   It's so easy to criticize. Seriously, it's awesome how easy it is.

   I don't care what the world knows about me just so long as my parents never finds out

   Logging into Facebook at work is like touching art at a museum: I can't help myself.

   If attitude was a tool I'd be a weapon of mass destruction, or at least a butter knife.

   Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

   thinks Toyota built the Staten Island Ferry.

   “We don't stop laughing because we grow old; We grow old because we stop laughing”

   Every time I burn dinner the fire alarm goes off and lets everyone in the neighborhood know. It's such an invasion of privacy.

   Good girls are bad girls that never get caught

   I don't like exercise so I'm not going to walk a mile in your shoes. I'll judge you standing right here.

   When they eventually find the center of the Universe, a lot of people will be surprised to find out it's NOT them...

   My plans for this weekend are so top secret even I don't know what they are.

   Well, at least the war on the environment is going well...

   Warning!!!! I have character defects and I am not afraid to use them!!!

   Dr Smith sleeps with a patient and is tortured with guilt. In one ear, his conscience is saying, “You're a single man, don't worry.” The other is saying, “You're a vet.

   What would I do for a Klondike Bar? Probably pay retail price... That's where I draw the line... and even then it's iffy.

   I've never met a "Skip Intro" button I didn't like.