Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't care what the world knows about me just so long as my parents never finds out

   Logging into Facebook at work is like touching art at a museum: I can't help myself.

   If attitude was a tool I'd be a weapon of mass destruction, or at least a butter knife.

   Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

   thinks Toyota built the Staten Island Ferry.

   “We don't stop laughing because we grow old; We grow old because we stop laughing”

   Every time I burn dinner the fire alarm goes off and lets everyone in the neighborhood know. It's such an invasion of privacy.

   Good girls are bad girls that never get caught

   I don't like exercise so I'm not going to walk a mile in your shoes. I'll judge you standing right here.

   When they eventually find the center of the Universe, a lot of people will be surprised to find out it's NOT them...

   My plans for this weekend are so top secret even I don't know what they are.

   Well, at least the war on the environment is going well...

   Warning!!!! I have character defects and I am not afraid to use them!!!

   Dr Smith sleeps with a patient and is tortured with guilt. In one ear, his conscience is saying, “You're a single man, don't worry.” The other is saying, “You're a vet.

   What would I do for a Klondike Bar? Probably pay retail price... That's where I draw the line... and even then it's iffy.

   I've never met a "Skip Intro" button I didn't like.

   They say dont judge someone by the way they look, but I saw a guy today that I am convinced owns multiple NASCAR tshirts, smokes, and has a child with a rat-tail.

   I wanna hit the like button then unlike to let you know I =never liked in the first place

   I think Kid's Lemonade Stands would make more money if they started selling Mike's Hard Lemonade

   Justin Bieber and former American Idol winners are all pitching in to help out with Middle Tennessee flood relief. They are being stuffed into burlap sacks and thrown against the floodwaters.