Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only thing us men clean at home is our browser history :)

   i know this is gonna be misinterpreted, but I've been sitting on hard wood for an hour, and my ass is killing me!

   It's amazing how quickly I can convince myself that I didn't need to do today the things I needed to do today.

   Ladies...if the wind blows, and you hear a whistle...the 'gap' is no longer sexy, and you might want to consider different pants...

   A broken heart just hurts as much in a male chest as it does in a female chest.

   No one ever is as good looking as his/her profile pic, and as ugly as his/her driving license.

   Couldn't afford the penile enlargement but got a great deal on hand reduction!

   "Right." - Fred

   I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my tree house

   eating alphabet soup and my spoon spells 'HOT'. Not sure if I should take that as a warning or a compliment.

   OK, I'm going to admit it. Its been bugging me for about 10 years now and I need to get it off my chest. I let the dogs out.

   Time heals everything... except a stupid tattoo.

   I hate when I miss a call by a few seconds, call the person back and they don`t answer.

   I see dead people.......a lot easier since I started using my Bushnell 3200 Tactical Elite rifle scope.

   Dear Facebook: I'm appalled that the free service that I am in no way obligated to use keeps making changes that mildly inconvenience me :)

   I'm saving my April fools joke for tomorrow. No one will see them coming...... ; )

   Guys: Wow, her status is dumb. but she's cute, so I'm going to like it.

   Apparently alcohol contains female hormones. After you drink enough, you can't neither drive nor shut the hell up

   Admit it, Once in your life, you've tried to guess someone's password but failed

   They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona.