Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What doesn't kill me just makes me want to kill someone else.

   I miss the 80s when everyone wasn't such an oversensitive online twat!

   My heart has no room for you but the trunk of my car does!

   There's a special place in he'll for autocorrect.

   World population:7,018,521,68. just in case some one starts feeling too important !!!

   You never really forgive the friend who tricked you int0 watching "2 Girls 1 Cup".

   I'd bet any of you good money that there's a woman mad at you right now and you have absolutely no idea why.

   A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked

   I'm torn between living skinny and dying happy.

   We can talk to astronauts in space, but we can't get phone reception inside elevators.

   Yo bro, I wasn't sold on you being a cool dude, but that tint job on your Neon really speaks to me.

   Feeling so old, the only thing I'm exercising is caution.

   Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's Maybelline. Maybe it happened during a tragic accident. Regardless, stop staring, it's rude.

   Old songs = Best memories

   I love tequila because I like where I wake up to be a surprise.

   Happy Mayan new year!

   News Alert for New Years Eve!! Government warning!!! According to the Surgeon General: When women consume alcohol, it impairs their ability to say “no”! So.... who's buying me a drink?

   Taylor Swift set to release a new single about her her next boyfriend it's entitled, "You saw it coming"

   Its so cold outside I had to put Jack in my Coke to keep it from frezzing.

   During the outage the Harbaugh brothers built a pillow fort