Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm going to write a WalMart How to Guide, it will ask questions like 1. Does this shirt make me look like a broken can of Pillsbury biscuits? 2 It's 13 degrees out, should I really wear a long sleeve T, shorts and flip flops?

   Just once I'd like the ref to say "Heads you live, Tails you die" before the coin toss.

   I put my Xbox Achievments on College Applications. I got accepted to Princeton

   At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

   My wife has got a Licence To Kill. Or Driving Licence as she likes to calls it.

   Having a girlfriend is like racking up credit card debit. Exciting for awhile, before becoming a financial burden that prevents you from enjoying cool activities with your friends

   I'm amazed at how many people got engaged or married today. Love is truly in the air. Now if you'll excuse me, a Nigerian prince needs my help transferring funds.

   Go to your profile, look to the right. Now annoy those 8 friends by tagging them in a stupid post about the zombie apoclyspe, or bank robbery, and let them know you have no life.

   There's a limited amount of people whose feelings I care for. The rest of you all can go to a therapist for that.

   I think that the term "wife beater" wins the award for most Widely accepted unacceptable phrase.

   There are no automatic doors. Just gentlemen ninjas.

   "Use As Directed" is just a personal challenge to my creativity.

   It's amazing how a blue fish with memory trouble can be such a great motivational speaker! "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming swimming swimming".

   Hulu is coming to PS3. Finally I can watch TV on my TV.

   One day my imaginary friend said to me: ''Do realize I am the real one and I am imagining you, right?''

   - you know life is hard when gas prices are higher than your GPA!!

   Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

   Ok, so let me get this straight. So after a delicate and dangerous spec ops mission, the first priority for the US is to fly bin ladens body 1000 miles to the nearest water source to give him a customary burial at sea? Oh, ok.

   I always thought saying "What crawled up your butt and died" was funny, until the day I met a man with a story about a weasel...

   A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.