Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you can take my girl, then you can have her. If I can take your girl, then you can have her too.

   Look ma, no meds!

   I hate when I think I've found a parking space, only for it to turn out to be a cart corral.

   Best Way to deal with High School Bullies: Grow up to be smarter, richer and better looking than them and then add them on Facebook.

   If I'm napping in my car, don't wake me up unless I'm driving

   I would "like" many interests, tv shows, people, etc on facebook except I don't want to see the stupid wall posts I get as a result of it.

   I do not, and never will, know my confirmation number.

   I wonder if people with eye patches thought it was all fun and games.

   Can facebook just give me one big ass button to press so that nobody is ever able to invite me to any event or group?

   My doctor told me to take more walks, so this will be my fifth cakewalk this week. I've gained seven pounds.

   The only thing you accomplish by getting all riled up is producing entertainment for others.

   WHen some one says "Hey, can I borrow a pen?", I think *Hmmm, which pen do I not need back?*

   Two words: Bubble wrap. Two more words: Can't stop.

   All those years of saving and financial planning should get me through my retirement with relative ease. As long as the world ends on Dec. 21st.

   I nicknamed my Grandma Nicki Minaj because she says the same things over and over again and she scares me.

   If you don't use your partner as a hand and foot warmer, you're not in a real relationship

   Sir, I don't care what car you drive. Your teeth look like they're throwing up gang signs.

   Hey beautiful. Wanna join me in the shower? Bring your friend too. - me, talking to the beers in my fridge

   You cannot be ugly and be rude and antisocial and mysterious and get away with it. That type of behavior is for hot people.

   Let's have phone sex and you can hang up on me before I'm done to keep it realistic