Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If my roof ever catches on fire, I'll have trouble not repeating myself when I call 911.

   Im not crazy, my reality is just different then yours. :)

   If my fridge smells like fish, but I don't have any fish in it...that's a problem, right?

   Everyone relax - astrology is still total bullsh*t.

   Confucius says ....well nothing anymore actually. The man has been dead since 479 BC!

   Just put my hands in the freezer to warm them up.

   never steal... the goverment hates competition!

   That runaway oil well in the Gulf of Mexico continues to gush about 200,000 gallons of oil a day. To put that into perspective: That's the equivalent of about ten buckets of K.F.C.

   Today, I saw a commercial for the Snuggie. I thought it was stupid idea, but I couldn't change the channel because I was under a blanket and I didn't want my arms to get cold...

   Ladies, we need to sitdown and have a talk about these painted on eyebrows yall be wearin..

   Justin Bieber's from Canada dumbass! Your play England

   Some people say I'm too random for their liking. But who cares, bacon is amazing.

   The liquor store. The dollar store. The court house. Top three places where you hope no one notices you.

   Just seen a April Fools jokes saying, "Justin Bieber found dead in a hotel room." You should never joke about death of a little girl.

   Ladies: If "snuggling" is so important to you, have the guy do that BEFORE you have sex. Trust me...... He'll snuggle and snuggle and snuggle...

   If you're wondering what your girlfriend would look like as a blow-up doll, watch her put mascara on.

   New rule: If you hold the door open for someone and then they just walk by without saying “thanks”, then you're granted one attempt at trying to trip them. >:)

   People ask me if I live my life on the edge. Well, let's just say I'm the kind of guy who eats apples without washing them first.

   Don't forget to set your clocks back to a time when you believed dreams came true!

   The more neighbors I spy on through my binoculars, the creepier I think all my neighbors are!