Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you are reading this status between 7AM and 5 PM--Get a Job!! OR-- Get back to WORK!!

   Speak English, kiss French, drive German, dress Italian, spend Arab, party Caribbean.

   I hate texting people first. I feel awkward, annoying and unwanted

   According to the replacement referees...if you're holding a baby & I hug you, I officially get your baby...

   Ladies... If it takes you more than a hour to get ready, you aren't as cute as you think you are.

   For $100,,,, I'll come to your house and name all of your plants.

   You can never own too many cell phone chargers.

   Dear Cellphone companies>>>Please add an "Unsend my text" option!!

   I met this Chinese guy named Ho Lee Chit... (^_^)

   I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance by dropping my car insurance and not having car insurance.

   When I watch MTV cribs I don't feel bad about downloading music illegally.

   between parkinson's and alzheimer's I would rather have Parkinson's. I would rather spill a little beer than forget where I put it.

   If you ever need anything... call someone else first. If they aren't able to help you... then try calling someone else!

   Dear Winter, I am breaking up with you. It's not me, It's you, you make me miserable. I think it's time I start seeing other seasons. you wouldn't by chance have the phone number of your hot cousin Summer?

   Was asked if I really believe in zombies. I informed him that no, zombies are not real and that its just a pop culture thing. He then walked away pleased with answer I had given him. Now I can't wait to see the look on his face when the next zombie outbre

   A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, 'What would Jesus do?', so I turned it into wine ... Well, I bought wine.

   Ugh,, There's a SPIDER in my toilet,,, And I don't even remember eating a spider...

   Who else was scared sh*tless of Unsolved Mysteries when you were little?

   said it before and I say it again: Ive said it before and say it again ...

   I'm starting a sarcasm club. It would mean the world to me if you joined.