Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd never tell anyone to go to hell, but I might suggest a Carnival Cruise....

   if you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut

   ...if you don't send the person you're stalking a nude photo of yourself, then your not taking that relationship serious enough!

   Aww I'm sorry you're mad the world doesn't revolve around you. Here...let me pour you a nice, tall glass of Get Over It.

   People say that marriage is a job...marriage is not a job, its a hobbie!! Dating while you're married...that's a job!!

   When I die, I want my ashes thrown in the face of everyone I ever knew for not working harder to find a way to keep me alive. Jerks.

   If you're a chick who says “chivalry is dead” I hate to be the one to tell you, but its only dead for you because you're ugly.

   Does it count as saving someone's life if you just refrain from killing them?

   I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

   Dear warm weather, thank you for having the wonderful ability to remove clothing from these gorgeous girls on campus

   I just got a pre-declined credit card in the mail...wtf!

   There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.

   When I see someone pushing a dog in a stroller I understand why the news is filled with murder.

   Facebook Privacy Settings Tip: See where it says, "Automatically share my personal information with identity thieves, sex offenders and all my psycho exes? Yeah, you're gonna wanna unclick THAT box.

   The awkard moment when your names is also Casey Anthony, and you log into facebook just to find that all of your frineds want you to burn in hell..

   Im tryin to beat The Heat like Dirk Nowitzki.

   Please don't make me go all CAPS LOCK on your a$$.

   Whenever I see a really hot girl I know is out of my league, I just console myself by thinking to myself 'Some guy somewhere is probably tired of her sh*t'

   Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife's can shorten it.

   nailing Jello to a tree isn't hard. Freeze it. Adapt and overcome.