Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've just finished designing a new line of T-shirts,,,, The T-shirts were first tested on animals.........they didn't fit

   I think we all know, the first time he Tebows in New York, somebody will steal his wallet.

   Life is like a roll of toilet paper. It goes a lot faster when you get close to the end.

   There is no worse bicthassness than snapping and blowing up on someone who hasn't done you any wrong simply because your miserable and pathetic life is stressing you out.

   Nothing makes me want a relationship to fail more than matching profile pictures.

   The "Its Complicated" status on Facebook is referring to women in general, right?

   When you love someone age , distance , height . weight is just a damn number .

   It does't matter if you're a man or woman: if you haven't got a date for Valentines Day, either way, you'll end up with a box of tissues!!!

   Before I eat chips, I have to look in the bag for a perfect one

   When anyone says to me "I need to talk to you", every bad thing I've ever done in my life flashes before my eyes

   nobody likes a stalker. it's what this chick was saying as I read her lips through my binoculars

   The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

   I'm so old, I grew up in an era where your 3D was a View Masters and you sit in the living room clickin about 15 slides. There's your Movie in HD and 3D!!!

   "Nobody panics when things go according to plan. Even if the plan is horrifying." - The Joker

   Titty Bars are the male version of window shopping.... You can't afford what you are looking at, but you sure can see yourself in it!

   My girlfriend's always helping me to keep fit. Every time she mentions marriage, I run a f*cking mile.

   It's hard to be intimidating when your boots keep making fart sounds when you walk.

   Heard you like bad boys .... Well, I'm not trying to impress you or anything, but when Disney Channel asked me to go to their website with my parents permission, I didn't ask my parents.

   The ultimate act of trust is buying your spouse a gun, and then showing them the correct way to use it.

   A beautiful woman touched my balls! It was with her foot when she kicked me, & she thinks my name is “sexist pig”, but I think she likes me!