Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am really loving the chill, no drama, non-psycho, emotionally stable chick that you're pretending to be.

   I don't NEED a drink, I can quit anytime. So I am quitting January 1st, 2055.

   go out tonight and sow your wild oats, then wake up tomorrow and pray like hell for crop failure.

   Pretty sure Brazil has an enormous wax museum.

   Do you think they will have an end of the world sale?

   My wife wanted to try something different in bed last night. So we had sex.

   Wonder if Zuckererg lost his virginity last night

   You never fully realize how terrible your toothbrush is until you get a new one.

   IPO= Its Probaly Overpriced

   Everything seems to be louder, when you dont want anybody to wake up

   Thanks for reminding me to "have a safe trip". I was going to roll down a cliff and let the river float me to my destination.

   If I had a nickel for everytime I told myself I'd quit smoking, I could buy a lot more cigarettes

   hey single people..tomorrow is officially 'rebound day' after all the ridiculously high romantic expectations end in 'epic fail:

   decaffienated redbull, theyre calling it sitting bull

   A relationship isn't determined by how many pictures you post on Facebook.

   Don't judge me unless you can show me your acceptance letter to heaven.

   Thank god Facebook is back up. I've had to phone 247 of my friends to tell them 'I hate work, I'm having a glass of water and going to bed, lol'. It's taken me all night!

   Knowing when to shut the hell up is a gift very few people are born with.

   The cleanliness of my house directly depends on my chances of getting laid that day.

   Omg I'm so hungry I could eat my ex wife's cooking while sitting at the table with my ex mother in law!