Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Beyond tired right now.. everytime I blink I'm pretending its a mini nap

   I am 99.9% sure she doesn't like me and will never date me. But it's that 0.1% that keeps me going

   Can you hear those footsteps running behind you? That's not me running after you, that's karma catching up to you.

   Just ONCE on Blues Clues I would like for the "mail" to be from a bill collector.

   If you're reading this, congratulations you're alive. And if that's not something to smile about then I don't know what is.

   I have a truck, shovel and a map, I dare you to keep pissing me off.

   justin bieber is still alive :(

   so as I rest my weary eyes... while freedom rings our flag still flies. you give your all, do what you must... with God we live and God we trust.. Amen

   Damn Osama! First the Seals..........now the sharks!

   I have a heart on...you know, so nobody tries to pinch me today...

   It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

   Jersey Shore is proof that the Zombie Apocolypse has started and the feast has begun

   not a stalker... but your couch does look good from the bushes

   I also read that sex is a form of communication. If that's the case… I'm frequently talking to myself

   I will do anything humanly possible to reach the remote without getting up.

   Dear politicians, you're dumb enough as is, so I'd highly recommend you stay away from social media.

   When a guy says "forever" it means until the next girl he dates....

   It's rush hour and a million people are going West and a million are going East. We should either swap jobs or swap houses

   Having personally eavesdropped hundreds of times, I can confidently confirm that GIRL TALK is much more devious, coniving, detailed, dirty and disgusting than GUY TALK

   The only effective way to end a Facebook conversation is with “LOL”