Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you are a medical professional it is your duty not to spread political fear of a disease.

   How do they even grow a boneless chicken?

   Still trying to figure out how that guy with a neck tattoo in that p orn I watched earlier got employed at a law firm.

   If you are offended by the opinions I express you can only imagine the ones I keep to myself.

   if you didn't hear it with your own ears or see it with you own eyes. Don't invent it with your small mind, and share it with your big mouth.

   I am unable to quit as I am currently too legit.

   Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! -Librarians arguing.

   Same sex marriage...because everyone deserves to be miserable.

   Hey NASA guys... Wanna be a hero? Take one of your super telescopes and turn it on Syria ...If you can find water on Mars,. we should be able to find low brained jerks anywhere...

   FYI: A group of meth labs is called a "Missouri."

   Parents w/ 1st Baby: "Aww, he's starting to walk! C'mon buddy, you can do it!".. Parents w/ Baby #4: "CRAP, HE'S STANDING! QUICK, SWEEP THE LEG!"

   At a 3-year-old's birthday party, you can pee all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.

   Some dude is going to be eaten alive by an Anaconda tonite....BIG DEAL...I was eaten alive by a snake years ago and my lawyer got me out. Sucked dry, but free.

   Meanwhile everyone in North Korea is like “what is a movie”

   Dance like nobody's watching. Because they're not. They're all looking at their phones.

   "The food at the last supper was pretty terrible so I ordered pizza" ‪#‎BrianWilliamstories‬

   Chicken pot pie sounds like a great idea if you add commas.

   Life gave me onions.... onionade sucks.

   I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

   There are places in the heart you can only find when the right person comes along.