Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I see your friendship, and raise you benefits.

   I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things

   These kids today need to show a little respect to those of us, who fought for, and won, the right to party.

   If I win $425 Million next Wednesday, what do you want for Christmas?

   So, which Pope is your favorite going into the combine?

   I can't afford a Carnival Cruise this year so I'm just going to hang out at a Porta-Potty near the beach.

   I did not steal your drink. You abandoned it and I rescued it...

   A survey found 95% of men don't know how to turn a dishwasher on. Personally I find licking her nipples and a light fingering does the trick.

   can't help but notice that fettucini alfredo is just fancy adult speak for macaroni and cheese.

   I stood in front of a mirror for 10 minutes to watch myself blink... I missed it everytime!

   wondering why his daughter's diaper holds no where near the 22-37 pounds it promises.

   doesn't want a happy ending... that implies something has to end. Me... I want a fantastic right now!

   .......and thats how I got kicked in the balls by Mickey Mouse!!!

   facebook-The only place where married men can poke multiple hotties and stay married.

   To boost sales,I think fast food chains should add an adult toy to there value menu.

   Call the Nestle Crunch Hotline at 1-800-295-0051. When you are asked if you want to continue in English or Spanish, just wait quietly for about 10 seconds and enjoy. :) Keep going and press option 4. Listen to the options...then press 7.

   Why does it take longer to build a blond snowman???? Because you have to hollow the head out.....

   Next time you pull up to a BP station, say, "I'll have whatever the pelicans are having."

   instead of complaining about the crappy posts here, lets see if you can do any better!!!

   PMS + GPS = Crazy biotch that WILL find you.