Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fun Fact Ladies: You can win all arguments with your man by putting on yoga pants and walking away.

   If there ever is a Zombie Apocalypse I am heading straight for Costco ..they have Walls, Food and Supplies for Years and best of all... Zombies can't get in without a Costco Membership Card.

   If your dog weighs less than 10lbs, it's technically a cat

   Watched way too much Shark week episodes last week. I fell off a pool float yesterday in the pool and started panicking.....

   do me a favor, next time you have to "go to the left of your profile and select the first 8 friends", just go ahead and punch yourself in the face. And remember, NO CHEATING!!

   I only make a lot of spelling and grammar errors because I have type-o blood.

   Dear Yahoo, I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying... Sincerely, Google

   ...and then the doctor slapped my little bottom and handed me to her. - How I Met My Mother

   I'm not a stalker I'm just bad with goodbyes

   Just because you have headphones in your ears blocking external sound, does not mean your farts to not make noise.

   If they EVER put a DUI checkpoint at a Taco Bell drive-thru, it's safe to say we're all screwed.

   If the NBA season is canceled, then LeBron James will have to travel somewhere to choke in June.

   I bet Sandusky is having issues sleeping, maybe he should call Dr Conrad Murray.

   i guess its getting time to do my christmas shopping,i will go to the dollar store for my big gifts and from there I will come back home and see if I can find somethings around the house that they havn't seen in awhile.

   If history repeats itself, I'm totally getting a dinosaur!

   Once it has been crushed completely, you will find that your spirit is much easier to snort.

   I haven't had secks in so long, I've even forgotten how to spell it.

   Danica Patrick is on the pole. That has a nice ring to it....

   Sort of embarrassing when the babysitter shows up, and I don't have kids, and then it's $300 an hour.

   Dear Doctor Phil: I am 16 years old and I am not pregnant yet, does that mean my brother is g@y?