Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy Mothers Day to all the good Mothers out there and a BIG f#ck you to all the sh!tty ones

   Damn, it's muggy out there.....I'm sweatin' worse than John Travolta's massage therapist! ツ

   Just got my hearing test results back. Turns out I am deaf to a range in which women complain.

   What's worse...being the paparazzi who has to take photos of Justin Bieber or being the paparazzi who gets his ass kicked by Justin Beiber?

   It's like the movie groundhog day seeing all the same jokes over...and over....and over.

   Whenever you feel like a genius, remember there was a time in your life when you were learning to not crap your pants.

   Dude, she called you short! "Oh Hell No! Lift me up!"

   Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

   If you could see what goes on inside my head, you would have nightmares for weeks!

   A fat chick served me at McDonalds earlier. She said, "Sorry about the wait". I said, "Don't worry darl, you'll lose it eventually".

   I'm gonna get a #2 tattooed on my back... just so the person behind me knows what position their in !!!

   Went to Toys R Us to buy my niece a Barbie Doll for her B-day. All the Barbies were $19.99 except for Divorced Barbie, which was $59.99. So I asked an employee why Divorced Barbie cost so much more. She said it was because she comes with Ken's house,

   Next time think I'll just throw the corn directly into the toilet and skip the eating part.

   My dog was licking his nuts. My friend said "I wish I could do that". I said "You better pet him first, he's kind of mean".

   Why doesn't someone invent a clear toaster? Then you could see how toasted your toast is while it's toasting.

   I don 't care what you believe or how you feel. F**k terrorists and f**k the people who hate us. I am glad Hussein is dead and glad Bin Laden is Dead. God bless America.

   Dear whoever is reading this; You are an amazing human being, never forget that.

   I just got caught masterbating to a National Geographic magazine...i don't know who was more embarrassed, me or my dentist

   Right now, the only safe place in Baltimore is your nearest KFC.

   Sadly,,, If your neighbor has wind chimes you have wind chimes