Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   coffee: The gasoline of life...

   there is no status update....only zuul

   Can Atheists get insurance for Acts of God?

   ust heard that half the French football team wants to throw up their hands in defeat and give up on World Cup while the other half of the team wants to join the Germans.

   that one day I may care......but not today

   Disney World : A people's trap operated by a mouse.

   I should really stop confusing sign language for kung-fu.

   its not Christmas time yet and Starbucks is holiday happy. We still have to get though thanksgiving people.

   hears there may not be any football in 2011, and would like to thank the Dallas Cowboys for preparing us with no football in 2010.

   There r 3 kinds of people in this world.Ones who make things happen,Ones who watch things happen,And ones who wonder what the hell just happened!!!

   looking back those D.A.R.E classes were really a waste of time

   Why do we protect movie ticket nerds behind 4inches of glass and a bank teller with only a pen on a chain?

   My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.

   My wife spilled iced coffee in her lap and asked if I’d like some pumpkin spice twatte.

   To all of you Hill@ry supporters out there ..... It might be important to note that Wikileaks has NEVER had to retract even a single story for False Information ..... Period. In short ... They are all true.

   People go on and on about the length of Subway's sandwiches but how come nobody talks about their girth?

   I planned on being productive today, then the voice in my head laughed and laughed and we took a nap.

   I'm hungry,, but the only thing in my fridge is Zuul.

   Fellas; There's no heterosexual way of taking a selfie.

   My goal weight is,"someone give that girl a cheeseburger."