Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am so hungry I think I'd probably choose pizza over sex right now.

   Women spend too much money on stuff to look pretty...save your cash, buy him beer.

   if you’ve ever had a crush on me god bless your poor misguided heart.

   NO, I'm not drinking alone. I'm here with all of my Facebook friends! That counts.....Yes it does!!

   "Dad, how did you fall in love with mom?" "Well, son, long story short I saw her picture on Instagram and it was love at first...filter."

   I hear a bunch of weird animals, beeps, and clicking. Wish me luck people, I'm going into walmart......

   Someone should check on Tyler Perry. He hasn't released a movie in like a week.

   So is Taylor Swift's perfume made from her actual tears?

   That ackward moment when I'm no longer drunk and you're still a goat.

   Apparently I didn't use enough As*hole repellent today!

   To be a diplomat assigned to north korea, you had to be on someone's naughty list

   If elected president, I will remove all things Kardashian and Jenner from the Internet and television.

   So. . . If ISIS is contained, like obama says, why can't the refugees all go home?

   If the founding fathers were alive they wouldn't tolerate this. Why should we?

   Ghetto people are always naming their kids after stuff they cant afford: Mercedes, Bentley, Pearl, Life Insurance.

   I finally slept with my HS Crush but it's kind of weird now because she wants me to go to her graduation.

   This girl in the street yelled to me "OMG!! Your so hot! I want you!!" Its true. You can ask Brad Pitt he was right behind me.

   wondering if Jewish Rabbi get paid for circumcision or do they just keep the tips???

   If God sneezed, what would you say to him?

   I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.