Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A headache when my husband is not home is a waste of pain.

   I had to leave my new girlfriend. She was just going through too much stuff at the time. Mainly my phone and my wallet.

   I had a dream last night that everyone I loved abandoned me. Morgan Freeman was there too. Man. That guy's in everything.

   Not everyone comes here for attention. Some just need a place to dump their thoughts to prevent them from driving them insane.

   This man needs to change. I'll whine and moan at him until he does. That'll work - Women

   I like woman who are mentally stable and sexually unstable.

   You know you're getting old when the faster you move... the more you forget!

   Grammar Nazis have typo negative blood.

   Condoms are just like parents...they are there to protect you, but usually it's more fun when they're not around.

   Well,, It took 40 years to finally figure out the answer to the "what do you want to be when you get older" question..................... Younger

   Sure you could complain there's another Twilight movie out right now. OR you could celebrate that there'll never be another.

   I can barely hear the songs on this Christmas station over the sound of the DJ choking himself with a belt.

   Government is a disease masquerading as its own cure.

   If by "people skills" you mean doing everything possible to avoid people then I have really good people skills.

   My Mothers MENU had only two items: 1: Eat it or 2: Leave it.

   I'm so lazy, if autocorrect doesn't know the word after 3 letters I put my phone down.

   I have this arrangement where people leave me alone and then I let them live.

   I'm so blessed not to have you in my life.

   I value your opinion as long as you don't offer it

   I don't think my newly divorced middle aged co-worker appreciates all the Cat adoption websites I keep emailing to her.