Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No NBA this year?! Great! I don't like watching overpaid athletes in baggy shorts run up and down a basketball court anyway. I'd rather watch overpaid athletes in tight pants run up and down a football field or around a diamond.

   You know those times when you just can't think of anything good to write, so you just post some crap? KNOCK IT OFF!!!

   Why are the other countries celebrating our presidents day by dancing, pointing and laughing?

   guitar for sale - no strings attached.

   I'm not saying she's fat...... But if you asked me to name my 5 fattest friends.... She would be 3 of them.

   Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family?

   When a grammar Nazi gets sad and lonely, give them a hug and say, "There, their, they're."

   I met a girl in the pub last night and we ended up back at my place. I didn't have a clue what I was getting myself into. So I politely asked her to shave it.

   Oh I get it. Winnie the Pooh Bear can climb a tree with no pants, but when I have a few drinks and do it, people start freaking out.

   I tried that "Take a laxative to stop coughing, you'll be afraid to cough" remedy. It was going great....until I sneezed.

   I swear Taylor Swift only dates men for song material.

   I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.

   Just saw my friend in a g ay p orn o... His secret has never been safer.

   There’s no question about it, the second half of the tank of gas goes twice as fast as the first!

   My STD test is: if she has a cell phone that costs less than $200 I use a condom.

   If you're 13 & under & have a Facebook, that's cheating. You gotta start from Myspace —-> Twitter —-> Facebook. Just like everybody else.

   If you find something wrong with EVERY person you meet maybe its because you haven't been introduced to yourself!

   Childbirth. The most beautiful thing in the world… Being destroyed by a baby.

   knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad...

   believes the NFL will support Haiti by sending over 10 million "Indianapolis Colts 2010 Super Bowl Champions" t-shirts!