Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No NBA this year?! Great! I don't like watching overpaid athletes in baggy shorts run up and down a basketball court anyway. I'd rather watch overpaid athletes in tight pants run up and down a football field or around a diamond.

   I will be thankful if whoever came up with this retarded "thankful" movement on facebook gets hit by a bus.

   Jesus had a snuggie first

   Not to brag, but I can have any girl I don't want.

   Bye bye "San-butt-sky"!!! 422 years won't be so bad...With good bahavior you'll be out in 200 or so...So long dirtbag!!!

   It's funny to watch you girls on Facebook whine and cry about your drama in one status and then the next....10 mins later "Pedi's, mani's now and drinks with my besties later, life is great"!!

   You know those times when you just can't think of anything good to write, so you just post some crap? KNOCK IT OFF!!!

   Why are the other countries celebrating our presidents day by dancing, pointing and laughing?

   guitar for sale - no strings attached.

   I'm not saying she's fat...... But if you asked me to name my 5 fattest friends.... She would be 3 of them.

   Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family?

   When a grammar Nazi gets sad and lonely, give them a hug and say, "There, their, they're."

   I met a girl in the pub last night and we ended up back at my place. I didn't have a clue what I was getting myself into. So I politely asked her to shave it.

   Oh I get it. Winnie the Pooh Bear can climb a tree with no pants, but when I have a few drinks and do it, people start freaking out.

   I tried that "Take a laxative to stop coughing, you'll be afraid to cough" remedy. It was going great....until I sneezed.

   I swear Taylor Swift only dates men for song material.

   I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.

   Just saw my friend in a g ay p orn o... His secret has never been safer.

   There’s no question about it, the second half of the tank of gas goes twice as fast as the first!

   My STD test is: if she has a cell phone that costs less than $200 I use a condom.