Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I used to think that Bert & Ernie were gay men living together. Then I came to my senses and realized that no true gay man would have exceptionally bad hair, a hidious unibrow and wear those terrible clothes. Rock on B & E!

   Some women get excited about nothing, and then marry him.

   I'm devestated! My entire bank account has been wiped clean. Good thing I won that Nigerean lottery a couple of weeks ago!

   ever notice they can gossip for 2 mins on the radio about the kardashians, but they only have 10 secs for the weather or traffic??

   These animal crackers are crap, this elephant tastes exactly like that giraffe did.

   My car doubles in value when I fill my gas tank up.

   I will be thankful if whoever came up with this retarded "thankful" movement on facebook gets hit by a bus.

   Jesus had a snuggie first

   Not to brag, but I can have any girl I don't want.

   Bye bye "San-butt-sky"!!! 422 years won't be so bad...With good bahavior you'll be out in 200 or so...So long dirtbag!!!

   It's funny to watch you girls on Facebook whine and cry about your drama in one status and then the next....10 mins later "Pedi's, mani's now and drinks with my besties later, life is great"!!

   If you watched a movie of my life backwards it'd be about a guy who refills vodka bottles and puts them back on the self.

   Some Where In The Ghetto there's a girl using her EBT card like it's a VISA. "What you mean it declined, try that shhit again".

   Coffee is nature's way of saying “Go ahead, get drunk on a weeknight, I got your back!”

   Tax question: Is it technically considered cheating if you claim your 200 facebook followers as dependents?

   There's a thin line between “I should do a status update about that” and “I should talk to a therapist about that.” ツ

   Dont you hate when you open a bag of chips and its only 30% full? Thats how guys feel about push up bras.

   If you live anywhere near the "Occupy Wall Street" protest, I suggest you NOT dress up as a Port-O-Potty this Halloween!

   God has a habit of changing nobodies into somebodies.

   i wake up, stare at the ceiling, I'm alive, what a beautiful feeling