Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Iowa's voting app failed because it was too icy to climb up the telephone poles to vote.

   Some of you all went from homemade, natural, all organic cleaning products to Clorox real fast...

   You can’t call it “pandemic” unless it’s from the Pandemic region of France, otherwise it’s just Sparkling Flu

   A priest rabbi and a nun walk into a ...Nevermind. Bars closed.

   And in other news, Keith Richards has tested positive for everything but COVID-19.

   My super power is picking up all the laundry in one arm then bending over for 5 minutes picking up that one sock that keeps falling out.

   Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00... Me: Can you take off the avocado?... Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.

   I can't wait for a empty Christmas wrapping paper tube to bonk someone over the head with!

   When I am working, I get paid to be nice. I don't understand why my friends and family expect me to do it for free during my time off.

   Who is the genius that decided Little League uniforms be white? My guess is Tide laundry detergent.

   Something I have in common with Mariah Carey- I don't know the words to her songs either.

   Not ALL politicians are liars. Some of them actually believe the stupid crap they say...

   sleep with my grandad's WWII bayonet under my pillow. You never know when someone might break in and start filming Antiques Road Show.

   When preparing a PowerPoint presentation for a big meeting, it is important to keep things simple enough that even a manager can understand it.

   The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I've never sympathized more with women in my life.

   I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.

   Apple is now valued at 1 trillion dollars which is the same as the Gross Domestic Product of Florida... But that's comparing Apples to Oranges

   I wonder of the #MeToo movement folks realize that most people born before 1995 see the "#" sign as the "pound"

   Out of all the utensils to eat rice with how the f*@k did 2 sticks win?

   So after winning the game I decided to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV. Apparently, this is unacceptable in bowling.