Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't worry about buying happiness. Try renting or leasing it to see if it's what you really want.

   I don't understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.

   Late Night Ponderings: I always wonder what the nurses reaction would be like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.

   If Missouri and Oregon became one state. It be known as the show me your beaver state.

   The only difference between brown nosing and ass kissing is depth perception.

   Never join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

   Red wine pairs beautifully with procrastination.

   "Goodbye, everyone. I'll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.

   Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00... Me: Can you take off the avocado?... Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.

   I can't wait for a empty Christmas wrapping paper tube to bonk someone over the head with!

   When I am working, I get paid to be nice. I don't understand why my friends and family expect me to do it for free during my time off.

   Who is the genius that decided Little League uniforms be white? My guess is Tide laundry detergent.

   Something I have in common with Mariah Carey- I don't know the words to her songs either.

   Not ALL politicians are liars. Some of them actually believe the stupid crap they say...

   sleep with my grandad's WWII bayonet under my pillow. You never know when someone might break in and start filming Antiques Road Show.

   When preparing a PowerPoint presentation for a big meeting, it is important to keep things simple enough that even a manager can understand it.

   Remember when WWE finally came out and admitted that everything was staged and that it was entertainment... and how crushing it was for people who still thought it was real?... I'm awaiting politicians to make the same announcement...

   Anyone wanna go halfsies on a nuclear bunker?

   Debating an internet troll is like teaching a monkey how to drive a car. You both get frustrated and one of you ends up throwing feces.

   My dad told me that my great grandfather knew the exact hour of the exact day of the exact year he was going to die. I said, “that’s amazing how the hell did he know all that?” My dad replied, “the judge told him.”