Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”

   has been wondering... if you force sex on a hooker is it rape or shoplifting??

   Before you kill yourself can you give me your Facebook password so that I can continue to post st@tus upd@tes after you are gone and scare the sh!t out of your friends.

   more excited than a baby in a titty bar....!

   Twilight's like soccer. They run around for 2 hours, nobody scores, and its billion fans insist you just don't understand.

   Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them??

   Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus

   The difference between Republican and Democrat is the difference between Gonorrhea and syphilis ..ENJOY !!!

   I wish people would stop saying the husbands of the women who marched didn't get a sandwich that day. Have you seen those women? No way any of them have a husband.

   There has been a surge in patriotism. These terrorists haven't learned a damn thing. They just don't get it. If they piss off Americans (as they have) our love of country and eventually our wrath will be nothing but awesome.

   Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way. Although we cannoli do so much, he will forever be a pizza history. His wife? Cheese still not over it. Just goes to show here today, gone tomato. Lets send olive our prayers to the family.

   They want us to think they're backpack leaf blowers but they're actually jetpacks... and THAT'S how they're getting across the boarder! 

   "The best engine in the world is the vagina. It can be started with one finger. It is self lubricating. It takes any size pistonAnd it changes its own oil every four weeks. It is only a pity that the management system is so tempermental."

   Women may be the only thing that are easier to pick up as they get heavier.

   There's a kid in my son's class who has epilepsy and loves pizza, so we call him "Little Seizure," and, well, we're going to Hell.

   If you're good looking and you know it click the 'LIKE' button.

   I'm beginning to suspect the only reason I'm not hungover is because I'm still drunk.

   after watching "The Walking Dead" premiere tonight on AMC. I'm going to dream about zombies tonight. Its okay becasue with my skills I'm sure I'll be the zombies nightmare.

   Advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

   refuses to vacuum anymore until they make a ride-on