Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the new apple map is totally futuristic, its like what the world is gonna look like after 2012 apocalypse.

   I hate meeting new people. It's like sitting through a job interview to apply for the position of "acquaintance."

   You said "CALL ME!", but you didn't hold your pinky and thumb out and put it next to your ear, so I didn't take you seriously.

   I'm not the grammar police, but I never realized just how stupid some of my friends are until FB...

   We're all just nudists in disguise.

   guess I shouldn't have pre-mixed my vodka and OJ. My kids went to school drunk today...

   I hate it when you wake upon mid-dream, and don't get to find out what happens next.

   My warning label would simply read: Take me regularly. In case of overdose, enjoy.

   Burger King's new company slogan: "When it comes to hunger, we don't horse around"...

   Kim Kardashian Says She Would Like To Have Sex With Herself …To Know What It Feels Like! Guess that means that after Kanye West Noone wants to touch her.

   Either that milk was bad,,,,, Or they don't actually make onion Chobani flavored Captain Crunch

   hates when the microwave decides to heat his plate, but not his food.

   I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.

   I gotta go to work and I can't find my hand basket!

   The MEDIA is pushing an agenda. It's called "separate and divide". THEIR REIGN IS OVER. Stand Strong. Stand Together.

   Why would anyone in the United States oppose an actual investigation into Voter Fraud? As William Shakespear once wrote .... "Methinks thou dost protesteth too much!"

   Generation Butt Hurt...where everyone is offended by everything.

   Algebra is like sex. I didn’t really get it in high school, and I definitely don’t get it now.

   For the first time in my life, I did not welcome The Weekend.

   Do you know what this house is missing? A box of $#!+, Let's get a cat.