Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I come back in the next life, I would like to come back as a bathroom mirror in a house full of hot women.

   Some girl asked what my sign was. I told her it was "beware of dog" and then I dry humped her leg.

   I just KNOW this fly is up to something,,,, I see him sittin there, rubbing his arms together.... Plotting

   AXE Bodyspray for Women: Now women can become IRRESISTIBLE to men by wearing fragrances like "Breathing", or "Just Being Alive in General".

   if your posts starts with "Only 45 days until..."; you should consider changing lives with someone...anyone...

   Look..I'm not trying to be difficult...it actually comes easy to me.

   I don't care how I die just as long as it's my fault.

   The words "Haters" and "Swag" are overused by the people who have neither

   Living alone means never having to close the bathroom door or having to spray air freshener when you're done.

   I bet the people that really died yesterday got up to Heaven and was like "WTF?? Where in the heII is everybody else"??

   Let's put Congress in front of Oprah...

   The internet: where everything is cats and God forbid you make a grammatical error.

   I've had pizza boxes stay in my life longer than some women.

   Today is going so slowly my life is flashing before other people's eyes.

   To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girlfriends.

   Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”

   UPS delivery guys don't like it when you go up to their truck and order an ice cream sandwich and a bomb pop.

   The people in horror movies would live a lot longer if they listened to me in the audience.

   Call me paranoid but I don't trust brown towels.

   Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.