Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Teacher: "I am beautiful, which tense is this?" Me: "Obviously the past...”

   Teacher: why are you late? Me: why does it matter? you still get paid, right?

   Just had honest talk with self. Not a bad fellow, knows a lot about me. Should consult him more often.

   Just found a document that says all our restrictions have been lifted! It’s pretty old though, it’s dated 1776…

   BLM does realize there are Black Cops too ... Right?

   When I come back in the next life, I would like to come back as a bathroom mirror in a house full of hot women.

   Some girl asked what my sign was. I told her it was "beware of dog" and then I dry humped her leg.

   I just KNOW this fly is up to something,,,, I see him sittin there, rubbing his arms together.... Plotting

   AXE Bodyspray for Women: Now women can become IRRESISTIBLE to men by wearing fragrances like "Breathing", or "Just Being Alive in General".

   if your posts starts with "Only 45 days until..."; you should consider changing lives with someone...anyone...

   Look..I'm not trying to be difficult...it actually comes easy to me.

   I don't care how I die just as long as it's my fault.

   The words "Haters" and "Swag" are overused by the people who have neither

   Living alone means never having to close the bathroom door or having to spray air freshener when you're done.

   I bet the people that really died yesterday got up to Heaven and was like "WTF?? Where in the heII is everybody else"??

   Let's put Congress in front of Oprah...

   The internet: where everything is cats and God forbid you make a grammatical error.

   I've had pizza boxes stay in my life longer than some women.

   Today is going so slowly my life is flashing before other people's eyes.

   To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girlfriends.