Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A woman recently changed her FB status to "got my periods" 20 guys liked it and 30 commented "thank God"

   Remember that there's always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.

   was all, "I'LL BURN THIS PLACE TO THE GROUND! YOU HEAR ME?!?" and she was like, "Ma'am, the dipping sauce is *under* your McNuggets."

   Sometimes I meow back at cats.

   Losing someone you love so much is painful but losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much is the worst.

   I'm an angel. Honest. The horns are just there to keep the halo straight.

   If a woman seems sensitive or cranky and you suspect she has her period, do you really think it's wise to ask her?

   Security stopped me at the airport last night. He said, "Do you mind if we search your luggage?" I said, "It depends, what for?" He said, "Drugs." I said, "In that case, no."

   had Homemade Lasagna tonight. The neighbors went to the store and left their back door open

   When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the fire department generally uses water.

   I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.

   wearing his ninja shirt today. It has ninjas all over it, but most people just think it's a blank shirt.

   My dentist is smoking hot! I always ask for the lead vest, even though I don't need an X-Ray!

   thought I saw a woodchuck far out in my yard and I wanted to take a cool picture of it so I slowly crept closer and closer to it... I spent half an hour sneaking up on a log.

   I've just had a tattoo done on my arse which says, "If you're reading this, we're in prison."

   I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant

   A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

   If you have never shot bottle rockets from a beer bottle at your drunk friends on the 4th of July then you are not enjoying your freedom to the fullest.

   I've decided to give up fluorescent lighting for lent...oh, and chairs...maybe I'll throw in desks too, along with office cubicles and work phones...hope my boss understands my religious beliefs...

   I was sitting in the store parking lot and noticed one of those "Smart Cars". I was at first thinking it was pretty cool until I saw the owner tying his Papa Murphy's pizzas to the roof.