Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm an angel. Honest. The horns are just there to keep the halo straight.

   If a woman seems sensitive or cranky and you suspect she has her period, do you really think it's wise to ask her?

   Security stopped me at the airport last night. He said, "Do you mind if we search your luggage?" I said, "It depends, what for?" He said, "Drugs." I said, "In that case, no."

   had Homemade Lasagna tonight. The neighbors went to the store and left their back door open

   When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the fire department generally uses water.

   I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.

   wearing his ninja shirt today. It has ninjas all over it, but most people just think it's a blank shirt.

   My dentist is smoking hot! I always ask for the lead vest, even though I don't need an X-Ray!

   thought I saw a woodchuck far out in my yard and I wanted to take a cool picture of it so I slowly crept closer and closer to it... I spent half an hour sneaking up on a log.

   I've just had a tattoo done on my arse which says, "If you're reading this, we're in prison."

   I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant

   A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

   If you have never shot bottle rockets from a beer bottle at your drunk friends on the 4th of July then you are not enjoying your freedom to the fullest.

   I've decided to give up fluorescent lighting for lent...oh, and chairs...maybe I'll throw in desks too, along with office cubicles and work phones...hope my boss understands my religious beliefs...

   I was sitting in the store parking lot and noticed one of those "Smart Cars". I was at first thinking it was pretty cool until I saw the owner tying his Papa Murphy's pizzas to the roof.

   I'm loving this season of Dancing with the stars, I'm sure that is the longest Kendra has ever danced without a pole or taking off her clothes

   I feel betrayed by ice cubes, like all they do is lie to me about how much drink I really have.

   Walmart is coming to South Africa. Finally I can get in on all the walmart jokes and stuff posted here.

   I don't think Cough drops have an expiration date but at some point you have to start eating them with the wrapper still on.

   Yes I look at the accident after Ive waited in traffic to pass it, its my turn.